Poems

I Find Myself

I find myself looking
finding
waiting.
I find myself eating
drinking
and learning
I find myself writing
reading
gaining and hoping

When I find myself doing
without thinking
I hate to break the bliss
of not knowing
But knowing is ignorance
and some say it is bliss
but is that true?
Should i believe it?

I find myself
when i'm alone
and when i'm with friends

I find myself
waiting
for myself.


Decisions

Choices.
they fill up your life
nothing else can be thought
what? why? how?
pen and paper, this is my solution
I put my emotions into the lines
of poems
no one knows what its like,
to be facing decisions
about my life and my values
WHY?!?
Why do they not care
about my life and what I believe
I hate them
No.
I hate their actions
I hate their attitude towards my life
HOW?!?
How can I tell them?
About my hatred towards their attitude
towards my life
They're like a prison
that wont let you go
it won't listen
they don't care
But they will listen
to one thing
poems are my answer
it makes them listen more than words ever can
it makes me cry on the inside
but not on the outside
they might say sorry
but they won't change
They won't stop abusing drugs
they won't stop dating and making out
they won't care that the one they "love" is using pot.
But my pen and my paper, this is my dream.
My outlet.


Writing

Even if it's hard
I have to keep going
writing writing writing
its what I love to do
its what i want to do
all the time
never stopping
the possibilities are endless
all claustrophobics are free here
don't be afraid to tell others things
that you don't want to tell them personally
through writing
it's what I do
So you should


Friends

Friends can uplift you
help you
hurt you
Friends can destroy you
and kill you slowly
Friends can disapoint you
let you down
put you down
They can rip your insides out
and use them
as stepping stools
be careful with your friends
choose those that help you
not disapoint or destroy you
don't make my mistake
because if you "show me a man's friends
I will show you the man

Everest

I looked at the marvel,
the strong foundation
and the light flaky snow, 
covering the hard, cold ice.

Such contrast and wonder
I look and try to conceive
the hard painful struggle
the sweat and tears
and the loved ones forgotten

I imagine the fear and the tears
from the family and climber
the close scrapes to death
and the tiring struggle

But it’s easy to imagine
as I have experienced it before.
But now I’m on top
looking down on the world
and wondering,
“What’s next?”

K2

I remember the time,
When looking down on everything I could imagine,
And thought of my foolishness
My ignorance but bravery

But who would call it bravery
The luck and blind staggering
Up a mountain of spending
lies
and misery.

I thought that was misery
but it is a picnic in the park
compared to what i am going through now

Ice, all around me,
Beauty, turned to death
Beautiful snow on top,
Dirt and misery from below

A crack of light above me
A hope now forgotten 
because of the hunger 
and thought of survival.

Yelling is useless
Screaming is tiring
Walking is wasteful
and Running is panic

I sit here and wait
wait for what is coming
for what is inevitable (in-ev-it-eble)
and something that i cannot prevent

Death will take me
slowly but painfully
like a bird catching food
and taking it back to its nest

So I sit here and remember
the time when I was ignorant
and looking down at the world
like it was mine
when i was in its grasp

Kangchenjunga

After the experience
anyone normal would have stopped

I am not normal
I am driven by addiction to adrenaline

I have stared Death in the face
and tricked him cruelly

I want more experience
and no more sorrow

but one leads to another
and Looking down again
I see that I dont want to stop
Only others want me

I see in only black and white
Life and Death
Hope and Despair
Justice and Revenge

I only see one way or another
Everything is right or wrong
Good or Bad
Beautiful or Ugly

What is Justice?
Good,
What is Revenge?
Bad,
Then what is revengeful justice?
Bad,
Wait,
Good?
I don’t know.

There is no in-between
For me.
But for life, there is,
surviving

For light,
There is shadow
and for Justice there is
corruption. to